It’s important to live your life to the fullest. When you’re single or you’re married, there are options when it comes to dating. Monogamous relationship is definitely not the only option available. What works for one gay man may not work for another. While polygamy is illegal in the US, It’s okay to have more than one partner, and you should know your options.
Polyamory vs. Affairs: What’s the difference?
Gay married dating is more common than many realize. This isn’t about the two people inside of a marriage dating each other to keep the relationship alive but rather when one or both people choose to date others.
The real question comes down to polyamory versus having an affair. They are not the same. Understanding the differences is critical, especially when you’re looking to get involved in dating someone other than your existing partner.
With polyamory, you’re involved in more than one sexual relationship and are free to date several boyfriends. “Poly” means many while “amory” means love. If you’re polyamorous, everyone involved has consented. Particularly if you are married and dating gay men, your husband knows as does all gay boyfriends you date.
With an affair, it’s a form of cheating. In most instances, it is discreet. Though, some guys will choose to act out and make it public in order to make a statement.
Why People Have Discreet Relationships
People often have discreet relationships because they’re unhappy with one aspect of their lives or another. Some people do it in order to test out a new experience while others do it because they want much more than what they signed up for in a monogamous relationship.
Understanding some of the personal reasons behind having discreet relationships will demonstrate why it might be something worth exploring the option of having a boyfriend:
- Gay man is married to a woman
- Gay man wants to explore new boundaries
- Straight married man is bi-curious
- Gay man wants more than one partner
- It’s “forbidden” and, therefore, desirable
There’s plenty of reasons why affairs happen, though some are more common than others. In many instances, it has nothing to do with escaping an unhappy relationship. Instead, it’s a way to re-discover one’s self.
Gay Man is Married to a Woman
One of the most common reasons to have an amour is when a gay man has a wife. It happened prior to coming out of the closet. Perhaps it was done to fit into social norms. Whatever the situation, the man is now in a marriage with a woman although he is gay.
Particularly when school-age children or siblings are still in the house, the guy may feel as though he is obligated to stay. But, what about his happiness? His desire to express himself sexually? This is when an affair may happen so that he can be involved in a sexual relationship with a guy.
Multiple Partners are Desired
Another popular reason to have an amour is when a gay man is either in a marriage or a long-term relationship with another man. They’re happy. Sex is good. Yet, discreet relationships happen. It’s because the idea of monogamy weighs heavily on some people. It is almost as if some people are predisposed to being polyamorous. In some instances, the amour is an escape from reality, a way to relax. Dating someone from another generation, culture, or class other than their partner makes the difference.
Understanding Polyamory: What it is and What it Isn’t
It works for many. It’s a chance to love who you want, to love without feeling guilty. This is something that involves a significant amount of communication with your partner. Rather than trying to push your partner into something they’re uncomfortable with, it’s best to find people who are already of a similar mindset.
There’s no such thing as one-size-fits-all when it comes to polyamory. Some things may work and some things won’t. Opinions may vary, so you will learn who you can share your lifestyle with, too.
By understanding more of what it is (and what it isn’t), you can decide if you can accept it. The key point is not to end up with polygamy.
The Pros and Cons of Polyamory
Discreet married gay dating has both pros and cons. By knowing more about it all, you can decide not only whether it’s for you or not but also how to proceed beyond the traditional gay marriage, down the path to polyamory.
- It’s based in honesty
- Rules and boundaries set apply
- It allows self-discovery
- More to love
- Jealousy can arise
- It can be time-demanding
- Multiple partners increases health risks
- Lifestyle can be seen as “alternative”
Common Polyamory Myths
Unfortunately, there are quite a few myths regarding this type of relationship that give it a bad stigma. The reality is at least five percent of the American population are involved in polyamory at one point or another.
Below are some of the most common myths.
- It’s illegal: False. Polygamy is illegal, but there’s nothing illegal about having multiple lovers.
- It’s all about sex: False. Often, it has to do with having a deep respect and love for one another.
- It’s an escape from commitment: False. Most polyamorous relationships imply commitment.
- It’s all about orgies: Again, false. Since it’s not about sex, it’s not about group sex, either, though it may happen from time to time.
- Polyamorous people don’t get attached: Very false. Most people who are involved in polyamory express themselves as having an over-abundance of love to give.
Tips to Find a Lover (or Lovers)
Having an affair is a lot easier than being polyamorous. You simply choose to go out and have an amour. Just be who you want to be and don’t pretend to be somebody else, hook up, and have your fun.
Now, if you want to find a lover who is polyamorous or you want a long-term affair, it will require a bit more work on your part. Here are tips to use to help you out, though.
- Determine what your goals are
- Don’t assume anything
- Be prepared to set boundaries
- Talk to people who have already done it
- Determine where you’re going to meet people
This is not a decision you want to plunge head-first into without at least giving it some thought. There are things to consider every step of the road. Be sure you’re happy with yourself before you get involved with someone else. Polyamory and even an affair should be done as a way of broadening your horizons, not because you’re unhappy with your existing partner.
At all times, communication is key. Identify what you want. Tell your partner what you want. If at any point you feel uncomfortable with what’s happening, speak up. The only way that such relationships work is by being blatantly honest at all times.
Sites and Apps to Help
There are all sorts of websites and apps to help you find polyamorous lovers as well as to help you cheat. It all comes down to what it is you’re looking for and what kind of position you’re in. Dating sites for married but closeted gays exist and will allow you to find gay men who know you’re married but obviously not getting what you need. Meanwhile, there are plenty of sites and apps to help if you’re single or married to a gay man, too.
Different sites and apps are out there to help you find a partner. If you are already involved in a relationship, gay partner cheating dating apps can ruin everything, so be prepared to be discreet, especially if you’re focused on an affair versus polyamory.
- BeNaughty: This app has a reputation of being a hookup app where everyone is blatantly honest about what they need.
- FriendFinder-X: This dating site and app allows you to find polyamorous partners, orgies, threesomes, and more.
- MenNation: Particularly if you’re looking for a hookup when you’re a closet gay, this app can help.
- Ashley Madison: The site is designed to help with extramarital affairs and has a reputation of being discreet.
- Polyamory Date: This site makes it easy to not only find hookups and relationships but also receive advice on polyamorous dating.
Embrace the Community
Polyamory is a bigger community than you might realize. Many people consider it to be an alternative lifestyle because it goes against social norms. However, you’re a member of the LGBTQ community, too, so you are already familiar with some things.
You are free to join both online and off-line polyamorous communities. It can be a place to learn more about the lifestyle and how to protect your feelings. You will have the opportunity to talk to people who have been in long-term polyamorous relationships to learn what their success tips are. Plus, it may be a chance to meet someone to add to your own relationship.
In the end, you can have the kind of love life you’ve always wanted and date a partner you dreamt. You simply have to decide what you want and whether you want to tell your partner what it is that you want, too.